More recently, however, it has developed the specialized meaning of offering help that perpetuates rather than solves a problem. A parent who allows a child to stay home from school because he hasn’t studied for a test is enabling irresponsibility. The spouse who makes excuses for his hungover partner is enabling alcohol abuse. The friend who lends money to a drug addict “so he won’t be forced to steal” is enabling that addiction. Providing support for a person with mental illness is a balancing act.
What Are Some Common Signs That Someone Might Be an Enabler?
When they overstep their boundaries, make sure to give them proper consequences. You have to make them understand the gravity of their actions and behavior. The term “enabler” has gained widespread recognition and use in popular culture and media over the past several decades. It is a label that can result in a great deal of anxiety and guilt for anyone who has been accused of being, or suspects that they may be, an enabler. Learn about opportunities to help change the conversation around mental health. Help them celebrate their wins and promote healthy behaviors by doing things that are beneficial for both of you.
A sign of enabling behavior is to put someone else’s needs before yours, particularly if the other person isn’t actively contributing to the relationship. You might put yourself under duress by doing some of these things you feel are helping your loved one. When you engage in enabling behaviors, you may find that the bulk of your time and energy is focused on the other person. This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside. When worried about the consequences of a loved one’s actions, it’s only natural to want to help them out by protecting them from those consequences. Many enablers will not verbally acknowledge that their loved one has a substance abuse problem.
Example of this behavior
- Someone with an addiction needs to take accountability for their actions and take steps to improve their lives.
- As we have previously discussed, this dependence usually manifests itself as receiving financial and emotional support.
- If I forget to pay my power bill, I could soon be sitting in a dark house.
- They may feel it is unfair to address their loved one’s substance abuse when they have had their own similar struggles in the past.
This may allow the unhealthy behavior to continue, even if you believe a conflict-free environment will help the other person. When someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them. Minimizing the issue implies to your loved one that they can continue to treat you similarly with no consequences. People dealing with addiction or other patterns of problematic behavior often say or do hurtful or abusive things. They might insult you, belittle you, break or steal your belongings, or physically harm you.
Even though we might have the best of intentions, we need to recognize the harm we’re causing and take steps to break the cycle—for the person’s own good as well as our own. When you empower someone, you’re giving them the tools they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges they face. For example, giving them information about mental health professionals in the area that might help.
In the denial stage of enabling, the enabler tries to downplay or deny that there is a problem or that their actions are potentially harmful and unhealthy. Enablers often act out of love, guilt, or fear of losing the relationship, but this behavior creates unhealthy patterns. While the parent’s intentions come from a place of love and protection, their actions unintentionally enable the child to avoid responsibility for their choices. Negative enabling happens when someone unintentionally supports harmful behavior by shielding a person from the consequences of their actions.
Rescue Enabling
They might think, “It’s my job to protect him because we’re family,” but in reality, they’re shielding him from the consequences he needs to face to grow. Many enablers grow up in situations where they feel responsible for keeping the peace, solving problems, or making others happy. The psychology behind enablers often comes from a mix of past experiences, traumas, family dynamics, and personality types. They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility. However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them.
- It can be very difficult to see a loved one face challenges with substance abuse.
- John C. Umhau, MD, MPH, CPE is board-certified in addiction medicine and preventative medicine.
- An enabler is a person who allows someone close to them to continue unhealthy or self-destructive patterns of behavior.
- When they overstep their boundaries, make sure to give them proper consequences.
- You or your loved one may not have accepted there’s a problem.
- The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme.
What Is the Difference Between Codependent and Enabler?
If I forget to pay my power bill, I could soon be sitting in a dark house. Taking away consequences robs others of the chance to learn, not intellectually but at a gut level, that what they did is wrong and that change is needed. When your personal well-being suffers—like skipping social events to care for a perpetually intoxicated partner—you may be enabling. Chronic stress, resentment, and financial strain are signs it’s time to address the situation. Worse, consuming drugs or alcohol around that person makes it harder for them to break their addiction.
For instance, an alcoholic or addict’s parents usually feel a deep sense of responsibility to ensure the well-being of their child. This need can be satisfied, at least in the short term, by making sure that the alcoholic or addict’s basic needs are being met. enabled person meaning These examples below are precursors for developing unhealthy family roles and are signs that you may be an enabler to a loved one struggling with addiction. It’s only natural for parents, spouses, and siblings to want to help the ones they love. After all, one of the reasons that we value family is for the compassion and support they provide, especially during difficult times.
Enablers May Not Always Know they Are Enabling
This not only promotes unhealthy behavior but can also have dire consequences. All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. This specific article was originally published by Gordon Shippey on January 7, 2013 and was last reviewed or updated by Pat Orner Oliver on January 7, 2013. Although rooted in a desire to help, these behaviors often worsen the situation by removing accountability and allowing negative actions to continue. Additionally, other treatment options help address a loved one’s addiction.
The problem is when you start to do the work for them instead of supporting them in doing the work themselves. If they won’t see a therapist at all unless you accompany them to every appointment, that might be a problem. It can really take a toll on you—it’s a huge time commitment, and can be emotionally draining. Mental health treatments work best when the person being treated wants to get better and puts in the effort to make a change. Boundaries begin by recognizing the difference between enabling and supporting someone. Maintaining boundaries between enabling and supporting may be key to helping friends, family members, and loved ones.
The first step in trying to support someone without enabling them is to acknowledge the things you have done that might have allowed the other person to continue their destructive behaviors. Often, enabling behaviors come from the desire to help a loved one. It can be very difficult to see a loved one face challenges with substance abuse. A person may want to help but at the same time not know when they need to set a boundary. Enabling is very commonly seen in the context of substance abuse, substance use disorders, and addiction. This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue.
The more someone is enabled, the more entitled they become. Any attempts at changing the enabling is met with guilt, hope, fear and victim manipulation by the substance user. One can feel guilty about the desire (even when appropriate) not to ‘help’ someone behaving irresponsibly. Certainly the one asking for the ‘favor’ often does plenty to build and then exploit such guilt. Most of us have a natural tendency towards and enjoyment of helping others.